More thankful than ever

Something I wrote 5 days into post-op:

This has got to be one of the most difficult and challenging experiences in my life thus far. This makes me sad, thinking that I have never truly suffered in life. Afterall, this wasn't a life threatening surgery and I received care from some of the best. Besides the fact that being wired shut doesn’t allow me to eat the foods I wish to eat, and speak the words I wish others would hear, I cannot do simple tasks like drink gulps of water, or rinse my mouth properly, or yawn. I am afraid of all this things. I have to take extra precautions so I wouldn’t feel the urge to sneeze/cough, or any sort of action to provoke uncomfortable results.

My first night at the hospital, in the recovery room, post op – I truly was unsure whether I would pull through. I kept phasing in and out, losing consciousness. I would wake up to throw up old blood each time through my wired mouth. They had to call the doctors in the middle of the night to check up on me. The nurse by my side that night was amazing. I asked for a piece of paper+pen to write down what I was trying to say while I was spewing blood. I wrote ‘I think I will be a bit nauseous later’, ‘what is your name?’. After she told me her name was Julia, I wrote ‘Julia ____?’. She said B**rone and I filled in the blank. Underneath that, I wrote 'Thank you' and underlined it twice.

I didn’t think I could think any more highly of nurses until I was admitted as an inpatient. Everyone was so kind that I had to agree NYP was the best around.

After Sharon mentioned that Kanye West had done great things during his month of being wired shut, I thought this was a potential given for me as well. It’s day 5 and the days cannot go by any slower. I wake up every hour in the middle of the night and pace around in my tiny apt. I have been hallucinating due to lack of sleep – that scares me too. I have done nothing productive even though I should really be concentrating on my healing. After my first night home, I was actually very scared. Very scared for myself and scared for Lev because he was taking care of me. One of my worst qualities is the fear of putting others in a precarious situation for my sake. Though I was in a lot of pain, I opted not to take any of the codeine. When Lev was running around trying to track a pharmacy for the medicine, I already knew I would never take it no matter no much pain I would have to tolerate. We were both afraid I would be nauseous. Instilling fear into someone is, in my opinion, one of the worst things a person can do.

Lev has been absolutely wonderful. I could not ask for anyone better. He had accompanied me to the hospital, visited before and after work each day, tried to keep me in high spirits, and brought me home. Since being home, he has run around getting medicines and extra supplies for me, made me food, fed, and bathed me. He washed my dishes and cleaned up my apt because he knew I was afraid of my parents seeing my place. When I see him crammed into my couch, asleep, I feel sad that he is doing this for me. But this experience has confirmed for me of how amazing I think he is, so for that reason, there is nothing to regret.